Still on Guard · Day 5 of 7
The Part of Me That Had to Fight
A gentle note: today includes a memory of violence from my childhood.
When I was fourteen, the man who abused me called me downstairs to punish me. Before I ever walked down those stairs, I had already made up my mind: when he hit me again, I was going to fight back for the first time.
He took that swing at my chest. I leaned back, drew my fist back as far as I could, and everything I had held in came up in that moment. The punch landed hard on his jaw. And in that split second, I knew I had to run. I ran out of that house and across the street without even stopping to look for traffic.
I'm not telling that story to glorify what happened. I'm telling it because it reveals what was being formed in me. I was a young child, and I truly believed I needed to become dangerous in order not to be harmed.
Somewhere along the way, I had decided: nobody was ever going to treat me the way he treated me. That decision made me ready. It made me reactive.
And here's the honest part. That reflex didn't vanish overnight. Years later, when someone was taking advantage of a close friend of mine, my anger was so strong it was unnatural. My anger wasn't invented. It was aimed at something actually wrong.
But that's exactly the danger I want you to see: an old wound never hides better than when it's wearing the face of real injustice.
Think about Peter. He wasn't being lazy or cowardly. He was loyal, brave, ready to bleed for Jesus. Jesus healed the man Peter struck, and He told Peter, gently and firmly, to put the sword away. Good instincts, real love, and even loyalty to God can still misfire if they're running on an old wound instead of the Spirit.
What changes is what you do with it now. You catch it, you name it, you go to God with it instead of acting it out. That's the healed response to a reflex.
Scripture
"So Jesus said to Peter, 'Put your sword into the sheath. Shall I not drink the cup which My Father has given Me?'"John 18:11 (NKJV)
Sit With This
Where does an old reflex still show up in you? It might be anger, shutting down, or something else. When it shows up, is it the Spirit leading you, or an old wound?
One Small Step
The next time that reflex rises, pause long enough to say, "God, is this You, or is this old injury?" before you respond. That pause is progress.
Go deeper: Listen to Built, Not Broken, Episode 8, "Built for More Than Survival: Healing the Part of Me That Had to Fight".
Next: once the walls come down, how do you know who's safe?