Still on Guard · Day 3 of 7

Fear Wearing a Strong Mask

At 15, when I was on my own, I didn't feel fear. I felt relief. Relief from being trapped. Free from dependence. Free to tough things out and figure things out on my own.

Childhood had trained me to believe that being alone is better than being stuck, and control is safer than dependence.

So I learned almost every adult lesson the hard way. Credit, taxes, relationships, parenting: trial and error. I'd rather work than ask for help. I'd rather drive without a license than ask for a ride and risk being exposed.

For years I called myself "low maintenance." Partly because I didn't want people to feel obligated to me, and partly because I'd learned to live with very little relational expectation.

All of that was survival's training:
I must stay in control.
I can't depend on anyone.
If I need too much, I'll be trapped or disappointed.

From the outside, it looked like independence. But I've come to realize it was fear and control wearing a strong mask.

The change didn't come because I felt like changing. It came when I let God's Word become instruction, not just inspiration.

Scripture

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."Proverbs 3:5–6 (NKJV)

For years I treated that verse like a comforting phrase. It's a set of instructions. Lean not on your own understanding. Not on my own history. Not on my own survival training.

Sit With This

Where are you holding on so tightly that it feels like everything depends on you? Is that strength, or is it fear in a strong mask?

One Small Step

Pick one area (money, work, parenting, a relationship) and pray this: God, show me how to trust You here. Show me how to loosen my grip.

---

Go deeper: Listen to Built, Not Broken, Episode 3, "When Truth Starts Changing Your Patterns".

Next: when the walls that protected us start keeping out what heals us.